Hello! Sorry for the long hiatus, I was away on a LARP trip that went six weeks over the expected time... Hopefully, I can get on a more regular schedule, but that's only a hope... exam time is coming.
Today's topic is one that goes deep... taking the blame.
For most of my life, I have been in a less-than-ideal household, in the mental sense.
I was mentally abused, to some degree. Told something was wrong with me. I escaped ages later...
But soon I grew.
I take the blame where no proof can be given I didn't do something... I take other's shame in everything as a personal insult... I've taken the blame when I could prove I didn't do something, because no one would accept my evidence. I take other's pain, and blame, and suck it into myself, somehow. It gets me more and more depressed, and then I just... explode. Everyone always seems surprised, but... actually...
The snap became something of a reflex, really. A powerful bit of emotion that could take months to build, released in a blinding fury that lasted a mere two hours. I couldn't stop or predict it for the longest time.
Until I came to college.
I found this site called Gives Me Hope, or GMH. It's run by the same people who run Unfriendable. The whole purpose is to tell about people's short, sweet, lifechanging stories.
These stories invoked 'pity'. Pity, it seems, could trigger the snapping and allow me to release it.
I've snapped a lot this year. I keep trying not too, but I have.
There are two friends, whom I will call Alex and Jeff (but whose names are anything but), that I am in debt of and will be for quite a while who have helped me through all of this. Though it generally starts as a squirmish before turning into a fight, I try to make them understand: It's not them, it's me. It's how I work, how I manage my stress. Arguing, of all things, seems to help me. It eases the strain by converting all that stress into a skill I struggle with at times: logic.
And thus, I feel indebted to them, and thus begins the cycle all over again.